Wednesday, October 12, 2011

#Fox #Werritty AND The Gals Who live their Lives As Beards.

A girl’s guide to her boyfriend’s sexual orientation

Women, regardless of sexual orientation, who publicly pose as the girlfriend or wife of a closeted gay man are called “beards.” I have been a loyal beard for the better part of my adult life, so I know a bit about the timid gay man who fears societal unacceptance. Given my experience, I’ve developed some pretty stellar “gay-dar.” I feel that my insider knowledge may help sound warning bells to the Jills on campus who have no idea they’re merely a beard for their Jack. Below are some clues:

1) Your man has always made every excuse to avoid intimacy, even when the relationship was new. This one is pretty obvious, but you wouldn’t believe the number of women who willfully wear blinders to avoid tackling the issue head-on. She might reason that, indeed, he is always “just tired” or that he still, after eight months, needs “more time” to get to know her first. (Mmm-hmm, sure.) Listen, girl: I know there are viable reasons that could prevent your man-who isn’t wearing a promise ring- from sleeping with you. Most likely, though, if you’re the only one in the relationship with any semblance of physical attraction, it’s symptom One of his gaiety.

2) After the sad, few times you managed to get lucky, he avoided you afterward. It always seems like such a strain for him to touch you affectionately or to kiss you like he means it, doesn’t it? When he (perhaps after a glass or two of red wine) loosened up a bit and let “one thing lead to another,” he couldn’t dress fast enough when all was said and done. Hell, he might have even hit the brakes midway! At any rate, while you were still basking in the glow of his lovin’, he was scrambling for his keys. With some lame excuse (“I can’t use the distraction of sex in my life right now!” or “We disgraced our relationship by being tipsy while we were intimate!”), he doesn’t call or text you for a few days. Then his parents start asking where you went, leading us to our next clue:

3) He is more affectionate with you around his parents and friends than he is  in private. Girl, this one should put a lightbulb above your head. When you’re on the couch in your dorm and you attempt to make out with Loverboy, his suddenly awkward body language throws a cold, wet blanket over the offer. When you straighten back up, he’s fine and game to resume talking about boring professors on campus. However, take him to TacoMac with a mutual group of friends and his passion for you is suddenly fiery. No one around you two could ever doubt the attraction. Ditto goes for a visit with the family: With all those smooches and looks of love, you’d think you were practically engaged-just as he wants it to appear. Sigh.

4) Your man’s utter abhorrence for anything gay is egregiously overstated. When you mention the “giddy” guy in your class or recall a one-liner from “Will and Grace,” his disdain for the topic is so thick, it’s almost psychotic. This is so often an indicator of repressed homosexuality or bi-curiousness. Make no mistake: I know there are people in this world who are genuinely disgusted by the idea of same-sex coupling, sure. However, being that a hilarious percentage of my closeted pals’ liaisons were with men who, in high school and beyond, were ostentatiously repulsed and infuriated by gay men, flags go up when I meet loudmouthed, homo-hating bigots. Huge rainbow flags. I would put money on the fact that, because he’s so overtly and ridiculously enraged by (and perhaps even a little obsessed with) gay culture, he’s trying to pull an invisibility cloak over the shame of his own curiosity. Smirk all you like, Lady Turncheek. It happens every day.

Ladies, I understand that there are men out there who, for reasons not related to homosexuality, disagree with having lots of sex and/or doing so before marriage. If you’ve got one of these disciplined fellas, you know like I know he’s probably not gay. The same goes for women, though I will add that there are some out there who use love-stricken gentlemen for more agreeable social standings. Sadly, I know it well.

I’m not judging anyone who hides their “wayward” sexuality by dragging others into a deluded tangle of deception and self-loathing. I know it can be difficult to say the words aloud, my friend. Instead, I’m offering a little insight to unwitting beards on campus with frightened gay boyfriends who won’t come out. You’ll thank me later, girlfriend-perhaps after you take him shopping for skinny jeans.

http://ksusentinel.com/op-ed/yep-he%E2%80%99s-gay/